


Blinded By Fear

by SourwolfSeblaine



Category: Glee
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Backstory, But mostly canon I guess, Depression, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Loneliness, M/M, Not Kurt Hummel Friendly, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Assault, Sebastian's backstory, Therapy, different ending, getting better, traumatic events
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-11-06 15:28:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17942315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SourwolfSeblaine/pseuds/SourwolfSeblaine
Summary: Sebastian's past wasn't easy. A lot had happened to make him the way he is. Or the way he pretends to be. The reason why he pushes everyone away when they get close.--Or--Sebastian's side of the whole story.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was going to write a little bit of a backstory for Sebastian, instead I wrote this whole fanfiction about that + Sebastian's side of the story. And a different ending than canon. I hope this story isn't too rushed. This whole story might be a mess.
> 
> Warning: There's a mention of rape, and one scene where it's a little detailed. Since I'm an awkward person I didn't write anything sexual or that detailed, but you definitely notice that it's happening.
> 
> Not Edited!

His whole life he had felt different. He hadn't known why, he just felt like it.

Maybe it was the fact that he was always alone. Sebastian had never had a best friend. Or actual friends. He sat alone at school while all the other boys played soccer and the girls were giggling with each other, huddled in a group.

And when he came home, he was alone too. Unlike most of his classmates, he didn't have siblings. His parents didn't even plan on having kids, they kept it no secret that Sebastian was an accident. He wasn't supposed to be born, or be alive. Maybe that's why they were always away. His parents were successful people. He never saw his dad, he was always on the other side of the world on a business trip. And when his mother wasn't at work, where she was a successful lawyer, she was either locked up in her office or with her lawyer friends having a night out.

He always had to take care of himself, because his parents weren't around. He learned himself how to cook, it took him awhile and he had food poisoning a few times, he was only 7 after all. He did his own laundry, he cleaned his room and saved the money they gave him to take care of himself to buy food or school supplies he needed.

Every year he would grow older. When it was a school day he would get 5 minutes of attention from the teachers before they continued learning about math problems. He would spent the rest of the day by himself, buying a cupcake in the store close to the school and eating it in silence while watching boys his age play sports after school.

He never thought about why no one wanted to play with him. Maybe it was because he looked different? Because he was silent and distant. He tried hanging out with the girls once, he heard them talk about one of the boys, and he agreed that that boy was cute. The girls just stared at him and told him he wasn't allowed to hang out with them, because he was a boy.

The boys thought different. Sebastian didn't play any sports. He wasn't good at sports. Young boys being boys, they told him he was a girl and should go 'giggle with them'. He stopped trying to make friends after that.

He accepted that he was meant to be alone.

On his 10th birthday he discovered a new talent. The girls in his class had asked the gymnastic teacher to do a dancing class, they (and Sebastian)  were sick of playing soccer and basketbal every time. So the teacher gave in and asked on of her friends to teach them some 'moves'.

Sebastian was good at it. And he liked it. He liked moving to the rhythm of the music. He didn't even know he liked music so much. The teacher's friend complimented him afterwards and told him that he was special.

He didn't think much about it and slowly went back to the dressing room, avoiding everyone's eyes as always and ignoring the whispers of the other boys.

That day he bought his first album. He walked into the store and the man behind the desk smiled him, "Hello young man, how can I help you?"

He had asked the man about the best album he had, and he was given 'A Night At The Opera' from Queen. He had no idea what to expect. His parents weren't a big fun of music, and he heard from boys in his class that they thought opera was boring. He bought it anyway, smiled at the man behind the desk and ran home. He knew there was something he could use to listen to the music somewhere.

He found out that yes, he really loves music. He played the music in his room and couldn't help but dance. It felt weird, but he felt happy. He had never felt so happy. He listened to the music every day. The music turned loud because he was alone anyway. He played it until he could remember the lyrics to every song, and he sang along softly.

And he realized, his voice isn't so bad. He started singing louder everyday, until he was basically shouting the words to the song, until his voice was louder than Freddie's.

He bought more albums. He bought every Queen album that there was, and the man behind the desk just smiled at him and complimented his taste in music. It didn't stop by Queen, he discovered new artist. He bought Michael Jackson's albums, Phil Collins, David Bowie, Amy Winehouse and so many more. After he finished his homework he spend all day listening to the stories the artist sung, he danced and sang all night until it was time for him to cook.

No one noticed that he was happier. His smile was honest for once as he hummed to himself. He started to laugh at stupid jokes kids made to the teacher, he forgot about the empty feeling every time someone talked about their parents. He had something better that 'family'. He had music. And although he didn't know any of the artists personally, he felt like he really knew them. More than his parents know him.

 

 

He got a computer when he was 13 years old. And instead of researching the different trees like he was supposed to for biology, he researched the artists he had been listening to. He learned about their hobbies, favorite songs and the tragic deaths of some of the greatest singers. He started learning about the facts, as if he would meet someone who would be interested in this too.

He was 14 when he wrote his first song. Not that it was good written, but he used so many emotions. He wrote about his confusion. Boys in his classes were dating other girls, but he didn't want to date girls. He didn't want to kiss them. 

He wanted to kiss boys.

He wrote about how weird it felt. No one talked about this. And when he looked it up on the internet, he only found hate messages. The happiness inside him died a little when he saw how hateful people were against it. 

He didn't want to hide himself. He didn't want to kiss girls, but he also didn't want to be hated. He didn't want people to hurt him.

He was scared and didn't know what to do. So he did the one thing his classmates talked about what they do when their scared. He went to his mother.

He softly knocked on the door, he hadn't talked to her for days, not counting her telling him to turn his music down. "Come in." She says, not looking up from her computer.

"Mom?" His voice is shaky, and there are tears burning his eyes. He blinks, but the burning feeling isn't going away. His mother looks up, "Oh, Sebastian, I'm expecting someone. Can we do this later?"

"Mommy, I'm scared." He tells her, and he thinks he sees her eyes soften. She sighs and turns fully towards him, "What's wrong."

He told her. He told her what he's afraid of. What he had been feeling and what's been on his mind. He told her all her worries, hoping she would help him. Hoping she would comfort him and make him feel better. Tell him he isn't going to get hurt in this hateful world.

But she didn't.

She just pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed again, "Sebastian, I have to talk to your father about this."

He nodded, he knew he couldn't do anything about it, so he just went back to his room. He turned on the music, but he couldn't enjoy it like before. The happiness wasn't growing in him, instead the fear kept his mind busy.

His father was home for the first time in probably a year. He had grown a beard and his hair was turning grey. His green eyes looked tired as he saw his son walk out of his room. He followed his parents to the living room where it felt cold. He didn't know why, but there was a part of Sebastian that told him to stop. To walk away, that this was not safe. That he wad going to get hurt.

But it was his parents. Even though they barely talked to him, didn't mean they didn't love him, right? When you love someone, you don't hurt them, right?

"Sebastian," His father starts and sits on a chair, "Your mother told me you told her you liked guys the way other guys like girls."

Sebastian nods. He did tell her that.

"And she also told me you were scared you were going to get hurt. That people would hate you."

He nodded again. He was afraid of them.

"Don't worry kid." His father says, and wow, it's the first time he calls him anything else than 'Sebastian'.

He's about to smile at his dad, until he hears the next sentence.

"It's just a phase."

Oh. What? No!

He's about to protest when his father gets up, "You'll get over it. And even if you don't, there are therapies out there."

The way his father looked at him told him the conversation was over. So he went back to his room.

He didn't believe his father. He had read on the internet that it wasn't a phase. It was real, but some people were too ignorant to accept or realize that. 

He changed back to the silent boy in the back of the classroom for a few weeks, thinking about how it wasn't fair he had to hide who he was. It wasn't fair how the girls were allowed to date with the boys, hold hands on the playground, while he had to keep his feelings a secret and 'wish it went away'. He doesn't want it to go away. He doesn't want to like girls, he thinks they're gross.

 

 

He found information about a party, a few towns away from Paris. He had to be 16 to enter, it was a party without alcohol, but just for teenagers who wanted the dance. He just turned 15, but his teacher told him he looked 16. So he hopes she was right and went on a train towards the town the party was held.

It was the first time he went on a train. It was a little confusing, but for some reason he felt free watching Paris turn smaller the further away the train drove. He arrived at the town and walked around until he found the right address. The guards at the front didn't think twice before letting him in. 

The first thing he noticed was the loud music. It was different music than he normally listened too, but it was fun. He couldn't help tapping his fingers against his leg in the same rhythm as the music as he looked around. There were teenagers dancing and smiling to the music. All different ages. And nobody looked scared or mad. Everyone looked happy. 

A boy, hopefully his age, smiles at him when he catches his eye before turning back to the group of friends he's dancing with. 

He walks towards the massive group of teenagers who were dancing. He awkwardly moves to the beat of the song, scared people will think he's weird. But the longer he's there, the more relaxed he gets. He looks at the way the others are dancing and mirrors it. He dances and dances until he feels the desperate need to drink something. So he goes to the bar, orders a glass of water, drinks it and goes back to dancing. 

He forgets all his worries and thoughts. He forgets the whispers his classmate share when he sits down behind his table. He forgets the regret in his parents eyes when they look at him. 

The only thing he knows right now is how good it feels to dance here, with all these bodies around him. Everyone probably has their own story why they're here. But they're here. And they don't give him weird looks. There are two guys dancing together, no one cares. No one gives them weird looks.

He doesn't know these people. He has never talked to them, but he feels accepted.

So he goes there every Saturday night when his parents are away. 

He has his first kiss there, a boy named Stuart. They had talked a few Saturday nights before, and Sebastian liked him. So when Stuarts made the first move to kiss him, he didn't mind. He danced with Stuart all night, shared kisses until Stuart moved away and they broke up. He was heartbroken, but moving on was easier than he thought. Maybe he didn't like Stuart that way, and just dated him because he was the first to give him attention like that.

He shared his 16th birthday there. The DJ had played 'happy birthday' for him and everyone cheered and sang along. They didn't even care that he went there when he was 15, one year younger than he was supposed to. 

Soon one of his new friends, yes, he finally made friends, found a way to make fake ID's and they replaced the club for another one, with alcohol. His fake ID gave him permission to drink alcohol. It burned his throat, but it also made him forget about the problems at home. Well, home... This place felt more like home than the house he lived in. 

So he drank and he danced all night. He had hangovers every Sunday, but he went back the next Saturday anyway. It was worth it. The feeling of happiness, the feeling of the bodies around him. The attention he gets from some boys when they buy him a drink. The flirty comments from the other people around him.

He spend every week there, from when it opened until they closed at 3 in the morning.

He had lost his virginity there, although that wasn't a good moment. Definitely not a good moment.

It was traumatic, and he's thankful for the alcohol making the night blurry. But just because it was blurry and went by so fast, doesn't mean he doesn't remember. The feeling of the mans hands on his arms as he dragged him into the empty alley behind he building. The way he kept repeating "No, leave me alone." The way the man didn't listen to him. The tears falling from his eyes as the man tore his clothes off.

It changed Sebastian completely. It changed him back to the quiet, silent boy he was at first. He stopped going to parties and stayed in his room, staring at the wall. He stopped listening to music or reading about artists. He stopped laughing and smiling. He stopped sleeping, because every time he closed his eyes he saw the man's dark grey's eyes and he felt the pain as the man threw him on the ground when he was finished.

His parents didn't notice. They didn't talk to him until he had a panic attack at school.

Because of the lack of sleep, Sebastian wasn't paying much attention to the teacher. The teacher called his name twice, but he didn't hear her. The girl next to him tried to shake him 'awake', but as soon as she touched his shoulder he started hyperventilating. He couldn't breath as he kept seeing that night over and over again. 

The principal had called his parents and he was forced to tell them what happened. It was the first time his parents seemed to care, although all they did was sent him to a therapist. 

Therapy didn't help much and his father decided that staying in France wasn't good for him. But Sebastian knew that it was just his father no longer wanting to deal with his son, so he was sent to America.

There was a school the therapist recommended, Dalton Academy in Ohio. A school with a no-bulling policy and the best, smartest students of the state. And it had dorms, which meant his father didn't have to move to America to live with him.

Sebastian decided that he couldn't be this vulnerable in front of others. He had to change, or at least hide his weaknesses. He had dreamed of being an actor once when he watched a movie on the tv, well, now was his time to practice his acting.

Instead of the vulnerable, quiet and shy boy he really was, these new people will see a strong, talented and confident man, or boy, since he was only 16. He practiced his English and tried to hide his French accent. He practiced smirks and searched on the internet for tips on how to be confident and how to defend yourself.

His father put him on a sport, and maybe he could see this as a chance of being takes serious. To be finally 'part of the boys'. He had never really heard about lacrosse, he didn't know if it was even a popular sport in Europe... He didn't know anything about sports at all, so he researched that too. He learned all the rules before he tried out. And he was actually good.

His teammates cheered and greeted him every time they saw him in school. No one gave him weird looks at all.

 

 

On his fifth day, he heard voices. He was just about to go back to his dorm room, but he decided to follow the voices.

The voices were singing a song Sebastian hadn't heard in a long time. He ended up at a library and saw boys singing and dancing like nobody was watching. They made all the sounds with their mouths and it sounded amazing. 

One of the boys turned around at the end and smiled at Sebastian, "Hi, can we help you?"

"I..." Was he... Yes, he's going to do this. "I'd like to join your group."

He had to survive an audition, and even though he pretended as if he didn't care, he was nervous. But he killed it and they welcomed him with open arms. He was even a candidate to be the new captain, since their last leader left and they decided to change some things. 

He heard a lot about their last 'leader', he was basically a legend. Blaine Anderson was talented and kind. He had amazing leader skills and could charm everyone. The reason he left was because of a boy he liked, which Sebastian thought was kinda stupid. 

And the legendary Blaine Anders actually visited a few days after that. The Warblers, which was the name of the Glee club he joined, were practicing a song that Sebastian used to love as a kid, 'Uptown Girl'. He was the first one to see him, and he swore his heart stopped beating for a few seconds. He almost forgot all the lyrics. 

Blaine Anderson was even more gorgeous than they told him. His hair gelled back, a curl escaping the gel in his neck. His clothes were in a different style than normal boys their age, which was unique. Blaine was brave enough to be himself. He had the most beautiful smile as he watched the Warblers sing and dance. He locked eyes with Sebastian as he walked towards him. As soon as he started singing, the Warblers notices their company and greeted him with hugs, dragging him towards them to join.

Blaine's voice was amazing, joined with all the others.

And his heart almost broke when he remembered the reason Blaine left Dalton. For a boy. He's in a relationship with another boy. He couldn't be Sebastian's.

Unless Sebastian broke them up... No, he wasn't like that. He doesn't want to hurt anyone... He pushed the thought away and focused on the ending of the song.

Blaine was there to give them tickets to the musical at his new school. West Side Story, and he played Tony. Sebastian was definitely going if it meant seeing Blaine again.

So he got Blaine attention, introduced himself and brought him coffee and talked to him about Dalton. And even when Sebastian had to leave after carelessly flirting with the shorter boy, who blushed by the attention, he could feel Blaine's eyes on him.

Maybe this would be fun. Sebastian knew his old self wouldn't be able to do this. Flirt with guys, or even make the first move to talk to guys he liked. 

But it all feels like a movie. And not because he feels so happy or in love, but because he's acting. He's not really him. This cocky, flirty Sebastian Smythe was a fictional character he made up. He wasn't really so confident. He was acting. Because deep inside his real self is screaming at him to stop flirting with Blaine. To stop asking for attention and to just focus on learning and music. 

He ignored himself, just like everyone used to do. He pushed the voice away and practiced extra hard at lacrosse training, secretly hoping Blaine might be watching and being impressed. (Sadly, he wasn't)

He hung out with Blaine. They texted every night and Blaine didn't seem to be grossed out by his flirting, which hopefully meant he was at least a little bit attracted to him. And it all went good.

Until he met The Boyfriend.

He saw him for only one second and already knew this was not going to end well. But he wasn't going to give up and immediately saw one of Kurt's weaknesses. He's jealous and feels threatened by Sebastian.

So he continued to flirt with Blaine. In front of Blaine. Loving how powerful he feels when he sees Kurt getting even more jealous. He had never felt like that. He liked feeling powerful for once. It was different. And although the reason he felt it wasn't really enjoyable, but he ignored that part.

He invited them to Scandals, a gay bar he heard about. He lied to them, saying he went there multiple times. But the truth is, he hadn't even dared to think about going after the last time he went to a club. 

They accepted, and he hated it. He thought they weren't like that. He just 'invited' them to look cool, to impress them, maybe. But they actually accepted. Which meant he had to go. He couldn't cancel, they would think he's a loser.

And Kurt would win.

So he went early that night. Fear in his mind as he walked into the bar, using his old fake ID to get in. He had contacted his old friend in France to get two fake ID's for Blaine and Kurt, it took a few days because of the distance, but they had arrived two days ago.

Sebastian looks around at the dancing boys, kissing and having a good time. Every time he thinks he feels someone behind him, he quickly turns around only to see there's actually no one.

Memories from the man's hand on his body get back to him and he takes a few breaths to calm down.

 _'You're okay. He's not here. You're not there. It won't happen again. You're safe.'_ He thinks to himself as he walks towards the bar to order drinks for him and the two other guys who could arrive any minute.

He knows that the whole night he would feel panicked, he would look around to see if the man is there, even though that would be ridiculous. That man is still in France, hopefully not doing to others what he did to Sebastian. 

He's safe here.

One thing his dad did good, keeping him safe with sending him to America, away from the awful memories in France. Leaving his old life behind and-

"Hey!" Blaine greets him. And he's followed with Kurt who looks around the rooms and smiles at the dragqueens that Sebastian hadn't even noticed. If he wasn't around Blaine and Kurt he might have talked to them. One of his friends at the club in France was also a dragqueen and he had heard amazing stories. 

He gave the drinks to Kurt and Blaine, casually throwing an insult to Kurt he had read on the internet and faked a smile. At some point he got up and invited Blaine to dance, and he actually forgot his worries for a few moments. He forgot the awful memories and remembered those good nights where he had danced all night. 

Kurt joins them, and he's kinda disappointed. Dancing with Blaine felt good, and Kurt is winning. 

He didn't know it was a contest. Blaine doesn't deserve that. He just met him and already knew that Blaine deserved the world.

And he also deserved a better boyfriend than Kurt. From the few times Blaine talked about Kurt, it was always about what Kurt wanted. Kurt wanted him to go to McKinley. Kurt wanted Tony and got jealous when Blaine got the roll. Kurt wanted to do these weird things Blaine didn't understand.

But Blaine is a good person and he listened to what Kurt wanted. Ignoring what he wanted for himself. 

Blaine and Kurt left soon, but Sebastian wasn't ready. He hadn't felt so happy in a long time, dancing to the music and not giving a shit about anything. SO he stayed for a few songs, he continued to dance to Lady Gaga songs he didn't even know, some Katy Perry songs he had sung when he was alone at home. 

It was the first time he missed France. He missed going to clubs with his friends there. Having fun. He plays some games in the back of the room, rejecting a guy who hits on him. It's not that he thinks the guy is weird or something, but Sebastian isn't ready for a hook up. The memory of that night too fresh, and he isn't sure if he'll ever be ready to have sex with someone.

So he continues dancing. Ignoring every bad thought.

Someone places his hand on Sebastian's shoulder, and he freezes. Suddenly everything he blocked out got back. The memories, the traumatic memories. The disgusting feeling and fear he had felt that night.

His mind starts rushing with words, _'ican'tbreatheican'tbreatheican'tbreathe'._

"Kid, calm down." He hears a voice, "Someone get him some water."

"Breathe, listen to my voice and just breathe, okay? You're safe, you're okay, you just gotta breathe."

He listens to the voice, he needs to breathe. Just breathe. 

His vision starts to be less blurry and sees that one of the dragqueens is sitting next to him on the floor, he didn't even notice he was sitting on the floor. Another dragqueen walks towards him and gives him a glass of water.

"Are you alright?" There's a slight accent, but he doesn't recognize it. He isn't from here. 

"I'm fine. Thank you." He tells them, for once letting his act go. He was his real self again until he went back to bed that night, crawling underneath his covers in his dorm room. 

 

 

No one notices the change in behavior because he hides it. He's glad no one was there to see his panic attack. No one could know he was this weak. He didn't want to get hurt again. He didn't want them to know that he was afraid.

His 'character' version of himself is proudly out as gay. And although he's proud of himself, he isn't really so confident.

He won the chance to be the new captain of the Warblers and distracted himself by thinking about amazing song ideas for the Warblers. But first they were going to West Side Story in McKinley.

The performance was amazing. He knew most of them were glee club members, and they really were talented. Especially the girl who played Rachel, and he knew they needed to train hard to beat the New Directions.

He was going to talk to Blaine after the performance. He wanted to tell him how amazing he was, but he was already with Kurt.

Of course he was, he's in love with Kurt. Kurt is his boyfriend, and no matter how much Sebastian hated it, he couldn't change it.

What he was doing was crazy. The jealousy he was feeling was crazy. And he has right to feel so angry. 

Just because Blaine is the first guy he actually likes, not just because of the attention, doesn't give him the right to do this.

He remembers a conversation Blaine and he had earlier that day, about Blaine being excited about doing Michael Jackson songs. Sebastian suggests doing Michael Jackson songs the next day, and the Warblers are excited.

He had never really talked much to them, but Nick and Jeff stayed after the Warbler meeting was over.

"We think this is a good plan. We have to beat the New Directions." Nick tells him, "We love Blaine, but it still feels like he betrayed us. He left us for Kurt, while we were his brothers. And although he's still family to most of us, we want to show him that we're better than the New Directions. That we're still amazing performance. He must not know about the panic in the group when he left."

Sebastian turns silent, he has no idea how to react. He speaks up anyway, "He thought what he did was right. Love makes you blind right? Kurt makes him blind and he made the stupid mistake to leave this talented family for Kurt, who will probably break his heart at some point."

"We know the New Directions, as soon as they hear that we're doing Michael Jackson too, they'll get mad." Jeff tells him, and he looks guilty. Sebastian knows they're normally not like this. Nick and Jeff are the nicest boys in this school. It's not like them to want 'revenge', but it's how hurt they are.

Just like how it's not like Sebastian to hurt people on purpose. But it's how hurt he really is. How scared he is, and how he's protecting himself. Even though he's wrong.

Blaine was blinded by love.

Sebastian is blinded by fear.

"I'll take care of it." Sebastian tells them, dropping his act and giving them a real, honest smile, before leaving to the Lima Bean, where he knows the New Directions like to go. 

And there they were, he didn't know all of their names. But he saw Blaine and Kurt. And with the amazing timing Sebastian has, they were talking about how excited they were about 'Michael week', whatever that was supposed to be.

"That might not be the best idea." Sebastian tells them, putting on a fake smirk and pushing the voice in his mind that's screaming at him to stop away. "Hi Blaine, hello everyone else."

"Does he live here or something? Seriously, you're always here." Kurt says to him, and Sebastian is about to say something back when the guy in the wheelchair speaks up, "Why don't you think it's a good idea?"

Sebastian explains to him that they changes their setlist to MJ as soon as Blaine told him about theirs. He throws some insults, gets some back and walks away.

He hates himself for doing this. He hates himself for hurting them. He doesn't want to hurt them. But he want to make the Warblers win. They deserve it. They want it and need it. He want to make them proud. Heck, he still wants to make his parents proud, even though he knows they don't care.

The next day they get dared by the New Directions to a sing off, ironically with a Michael Jackson song. And one of the warblers has a plan, "We all know how Kurt loves his clothes, right? He's the reason we lost Blaine. How about we ruin his clothes? My brother told me that rock salt is the thing we're looking for."

"And we just, what, throw it at him?" Trent asks the warbler nobody really knows the name of.

"They slushy people on that school." Nick says, "How about we put it in a slushy and throw it at Kurt's clothes at the end of the song."

"Sebastian, you can do the honors." Another Warbler says, "You're the captain."

He ignored the voice in his head again and agreed.

But they failed miserably.

He forgot about Blaine being a good person. He had jumped in front of the slushy, and it hit his face. He lay screaming on the ground, and it made Sebastian remember that night in France. Instead of screaming, Sebastian had been crying. And unlike Blaine, he didn't have friends with him that night. He had to go home all alone.

One of the Warbler grabs Sebastian's shoulder and pushes him back, away from Blaine. He wants to go back, make sure he's okay. He wants to apologize. He wants to scream and cry. But he doesn't.

He's losing control over himself. He doesn't know what to do. He messed up.

He can't go back now. They think he's an asshole. He is an asshole. And he had so many plans that the Warblers came up with. Someone came up with a photoshop prank, and he was planning on doing that with Rachel.

Besides Blaine, Rachel is the most talented in the ND.

He felt absolutely disgusting blackmailing her into not joining the competition. He felt absolutely disgusting throwing a slushy in Santana's face. He felt absolutely disgusting when she told him Blaine might loose an eye because of what he did.

But he couldn't stop. He kept doing the wrong things. He kept making terrible mistakes, until he heard about Dave Karofsky. The boy who had hit on him at Scandals. He got bullied at his school for being gay and tried to commit suicide.

And for once, there was something else on his mind than the traumatic night in France. The word 'suicide' kept repeating in his head. He's one of the reasons that boy wanted himself dead.

It made him snap out of the evil phase he was going through.

He had to stop. He had to make things right.

 

 

He went to the hospital and asked for Dave's room. He lied to the nurse and said he was a cousin. She believed him and told him the way.

In front of the hospital room, he stared at the door before going in. He felt scared and guilty when he saw Karofsky laying in that bed. Wires around him. He was awake and looked at Sebastian surprised.

"I'm so sorry." Sebastian tells him, and he can feel his true self coming back as tears leave his eyes. He lets out a sob as he walks towards the bed. 

"For what? Sorry, dude, but I don't know you." Karofsky tells him, and part of him is relieved. The other part of him feels awkward. He must think Sebastian is some crazy guy randomly walking to strangers and apologizing.

"The night in Scandals. I wasn't exactly nice rejecting you." Sebastian explains to him, but David just shrugs. "Don't worry about it. You were drunk, I think. And rejecting someone is okay."

"But I..."

"It's okay, whatever your name is." Karofsky tells him. And Sebastian nods, his eyes distant. He doesn't feel okay. 

He leaves right after that and he has no idea what to do. 

He isn't okay. He doesn't feel okay. He made terrible mistakes.

_andhecan'tbreathe_

He leans against a wall on the side of the building and tries to take deep breaths. Tears leaving his eyes as he tries to stop his panic attack, but the more he tries the harder it gets. He'll be okay. Or maybe he won't. It doesn't matter, he just needs to make sure no one else will ever hurt themselves because of him.

 

 

They had changed the setlist and were going to dedicate their songs to a fundraiser. He personally apoligized to Santana, Kurt, Blaine and Rachel. He was honest with them. And they were honest with them.

They want nothing to do with him. They don't trust him anymore.

He saw them at Regionals. He tried his best to fake a smile. But he didn't feel the happiness when he sang and dance. Maybe that's why they didn't win. Or the New Directions were too talented. Anyway, he shook Blaine's hand. And the smile Blaine gave him... it was okay. Blaine forgave him. And although Sebastian hasn't forgiven himself, it was a start.

The rest of the school year he was going to focus on becoming himself again. No longer acting as if he was a different person. No longer hiding himself. He learned that the other Warblers were people you could really talk to. They supported you no matter what. So he took the first step and talked to Nick and Jeff about everything that happened in his life about how he changed over the years, and about how he wants to be a good person again.

And they supported him and helped him the rest of the year. But he never forgot about Blaine. He saw his beautiful smile every time he closed his eyes.

 

 

The next year there's a new captain. His name is Hunter Clarington, and Sebastian has a bad feeling about him. But besides talking about it to his new best friends (yes, he finally has a best friend, not even one but two) he didn't do much about it.

Hunter made them get into shape, he put schedules of training and meetings, and almost everyone lost the fun of being in glee club. Until Hunter assigned two Warblers to steel the Nationals trophy from the New Directions.

Sebastian didn't agree with the plan and didn't want anything to do with it. But of course Hunter didn't care about him, and Sebastian was the one to wait for Blaine at the stairs.

Hunter's plan was simple. He heard Kurt and Blaine broke up. Since Kurt was the only reason Blaine went to McKinley, the Warblers hoped that he would rejoin them after reminding him how good it feels to be a part of them. They've got a song and choreography ready, and a blazer waiting for the curly haired boy.

Sebastian wouldn't mind Blaine coming back to Dalton, he had really changed and he was ready to show Blaine that. But the knew that the chance Blaine would go back to Dalton was small, after everything that had happened last year. 

And it was Sebastian's fault.

He was still working on forgiving himself for that. 

"Sebastian." Blaine says, walking down the stairs. And Sebastian forgot the way Blaine said his name. It made his heart miss a beat.

He may be still in love with Blaine. But he knows that he doesn't have a chance

"Of course it was you." Blaine continues and walks towards the library.

"No, it wasn't. I swear." Sebastian tells him, his voice a little raspy from the nerves. "I turned over a new leaf, remember? No bullying, blackmailing or assault this year."

"That must be boring for you." Blaine says, not even looking at him.

And ouch, he deserved that, but it still hurts.

"Yeah, it is. Being nice sucks." Sebastian answers, and he's surprising himself. He didn't mean that. Being nice doesn't suck. He has been nice lately.

But Blaine doesn't look like he cares, and it makes Sebastian want to cry. But that doesn't matter. It's his own fault.

He sighs, "He's waiting for you in the library." 

"Who is?" Blaine asks him confused, looking at him for the first time.

"The guy you're here to see. Captain of the Warblers."

"I thought you were captain of the Warblers." Blaine tells him, and Sebastian just shrugs. He feels sick and wants to get away from this situation as soon as possible. He watches Blaine walk into the library and quickly walks away. He has to get ready with all the other Warblers to sing and dance. 

He feels like he's about to have a panic attack, but he has to stay strong for only a few more minutes. After that he can calm down and listen to music, focus on the tests from next week.

"We all know the real Blaine, Blaine. Ambitious, driven. You're a Dalton boy." Sebastian says after he follows the others back in the room. He cringes at the words, Hunter made him say that. 

"Present him the blazer." Hunter orders. And the Warblers listen to him. 

"That's not gonna work on me." Blaine tells them, glancing at the blazer. 

"Then why be afraid of trying it on?" Hunter asks him, and he nods at Sebastian. He helps Blaine put on the blazer, and his hands might linger longer on Blaine's shoulders as planned. Everyone can see that Blaine relaxes as soon as he feels the familiair piece of clothing around him. 

"Here's the thing, Blaine. You know that Nationals trophy was a fluke, just like you know we're going to win Sectionals. Now, I don't want to see a Dalton legend like you sidelined in his senior year. I want you on the winning side, with us." Hunter tells him, sitting down in his chair. 

"You know what goes great with a Dalton blazer?" Sebastian speaks up when someone nudges his shoulder, "An impromptu song."

"What? No." Blaine tells them. 

"Oh, come on. One song for your old buddies?"

"Guys, I didn't come here to sing a song-" He isn't able to finish his sentence before the Warblers start harmonizing. And Sebastian has no choice other than to sing along.

The song made him feel weird. 'Will you love me, even with my dark side?' He had a dark side, he fought his dark side. And he wants someone who would love him even with his dark side. 

He wants Blaine to love him. Even with his dark side. But it won't happen.

The song ends, and Blaine unbuttons the blazer.

"What did I tell you, flawless." Sebastian says to Hunter, still amazed by the amazing voice. 

Blaine pulls of the blazer and is about to give it to Hunter, "Keep it." Hunter tells him, "It's already yours. Don't you think it's time to come back where you belong, Blaine Warbler?"

Everyone left the library after that. Sebastian was the first one to almost run out of the room when Hunter dismissed the meeting, giving Blaine time to think. He went to the place his mind calmed down, the bleachers. He spend days there, studying or listening to music. 

It was his place. 

But this time, he only sat down 10 minutes before he got interrupted, "Sebastian."

He looks up and he gasps slightly when he sees Blaine walking to him, his blazer still on. Blaine climbs until he's sitting next to Sebastian and sighs, "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Sebastian asks him. Blaine has never done anything wrong to him.

"For thinking you're the one who stole the trophy." Blaine tells him.

Sebastian shrugged, "I'm not surprised."

"You said you were trying to be a new, good person. I'm willing to give you a chance." Blaine tells him, and he hesitates slightly before placing his hand on Sebastian's arm. "You deserve a second chance."

Sebastian bites his lip and feels tears in his eyes. Of course he gets emotional again. Blaine notices and smiles at him, "You still have my number right? We should hang out some time."

Sebastian nods and watches Blaine walk away after that. 

 

 

They do hang out. And Sebastian promised himself to be honest with Blaine. He slowly started to open up and told him more about his past. Not about his partying days, but about his lonely days. When he got into music, when he found out he liked singing. 

He told Blaine the truth about Scandals, that he never went there before Blaine and Kurt, and never went there after. After awhile he told Blaine why he was so scared to go there again. 

He told him everything.

And Blaine supported him. He didn't give him weird looks, he just hugged Sebastian and told him he was proud of him for telling him this. 

Sebastian had cried, because no one had ever told him they were proud of him.

 

Everything went okay, until Hunter decided the Warblers needed to use drugs to win. Sebastian didn't agree with him, and him and Jeff were able to convince him to let them perform without because of lacrosse. Everyone else? Not so lucky. Poor Trent got kicked out.

Sebastian had talked to Trent after that. Comforting him. And Trent had told him he was going to tell Blaine and Sam.

Sebastian wanted to tell them too, but he was afraid to see Blaine. To disappoint him again. So he didn't go. He locked himself in his dorm room and couldn't stop thinking about how Trent was going to McKinley, where it was currently prom or some other dance Sebastian never went to. He didn't want to know Blaine's reaction.

He tried to distract himself with watching a marvel movie, Thor always made him feel... things. He kept glancing at his phone, but Blaine didn't text or call. It's been three hours, Trent must've already told them. Maybe finished telling them already. 

There's a knock on the door. He gets up, preparing himself to hear the story about how it went from Trent. But when he opens the door, he sees Blaine, still in a suit from his school dance.

"Blaine..." Sebastian takes a step back to let him in, and Blaine looks around. He had been in Sebastian's dorm room before, but Sebastian had a habit of changing it once in a while. Moving some books or furniture.

"Trent told me." Blaine says to him and Sebastian looks away. Ashamed of his team.

"I'm sorry."

"For what? You didn't take them." Blaine says.

"But I didn't stop him either." Sebastian tells him and looks at him.

"You probably couldn't, Hunter is crazy." Blaine tells him. "I'm just proud of you for not taking them."

"I would never." Sebastian tells him and he speaks the truth. He would never do that. 

"Good." Blaine smiles at him and pats his shoulder, "I should go home. I just wanted to talk to you."

Sebastian can't help but dream about what would've happened if Blaine stayed. If they had talked, watched a movie or maybe... No. His crush is getting too far, Blaine doesn't like him like that.

 

They keep contact after the Warblers get disqualified. They keep talking and texting and hanging out. And Sebastian gets hope. Maybe Blaine could fall in love with him. Maybe they could be together one day, or at least try. 

He would watch Blaine laugh sometimes, and realize that yeah, Sebastian is already in love with Blaine. And it's a weird intense feeling, like the sun is shining in his stomach.

He wonders if Blaine has the same thoughts about him.

But Blaine doesn't. They're surprised by Blaine, the New Directions and other glee clubs bursting in the room, singing a Beatles song and asking him that one question that shattered his heart to pieces.

He asked them to help propose to Kurt.

Kurt Hummel.

Blaine is going to ask Kurt to marry him.

All those dreams Sebastian had, about a future with Blaine. They'll never be real.

Or they will, but instead of him, Kurt will be there next to Blaine. 

He tells Blaine they'll help. He smiles at him. Tells him he's happy for them.

But as soon as he's back in his dorm, he breaks down in tears. 

 

The proposal is... A lot. He has to watch Kurt cry from joy when he's lead around Dalton towards the stairs he and Blaine first met. He has to watch Kurt say yes, and Blaine put the ring on his finger. He has to watch them kiss. 

He has to watch their friend cheer and clap. He has to watch Rachel Berry wipe away the tears. 

He has to walk away, because it's getting too much for him.

 

 

No matter what, they still keep in contact. When Blaine goes to NYADA, Sebastian gets into Columbia University. They both live in New York, and hang out sometimes, but Sebastian feels like it's all a secret from Kurt.

And he keeps hearing Blaine talk about how insecure he feels. Kurt is turning into a different man, physically stronger, and it makes him feel insecure about his own body. Sebastian told him to talk to Kurt about it. Feeling insecure in a relationship isn't healthy. Not that he knows much about relationships. 

But he learns soon. He gets his first, real boyfriend. Michael is in the same year as him, and he's one of the nicest people he had ever met. He makes sure Sebastian feels safe and okay. He listens to Sebastian rant, helps him calm down with panic attacks. 

He's careful and patient with Sebastian's traumatic experience. He doesn't pressure Sebastian in having sex, because he clearly makes it known he isn't ready. And Michael accepts and respects that.

He's perfect.

But Sebastian can't stop think about Blaine, and that isn't fair, so after a few months they break up. 

Not that it mattered, because he and Blaine lost contact after Kurt found out about them hanging out.

So he focuses on his studies, he's actually studying when he gets Blaine's call, crying that he's outside Sebastian's apartment. He had opened the door and got an arm full of Blaine, a crying mess. 

Of course, because the world loved cliché stuff, Blaine was also soaking wet from the rain. 

"He..." Blaine can't even get one sentence out. "Kurt, he..."

"What did he do this time?" Sebastian's voice sounds like a growl. He changed a lot over the years, but his hate towards Kurt? No. Would never change.

"He broke off the engagement."

Sebastian should be happy. He's hopelessly in love with Blaine, and now he's simple again. But Blaine is so heartbroken, he can't feel happy about that. So he hugs him, offers him a place to stay. He makes him something to drink, grabs a blanket and listens to his stories. 

 

 

Blaine goes back to Lima to work at Dalton with the Warblers. And although it isn't Blaine's dream, he knows the Warblers will always make him happy. 

They keep in contact, Sebastian even visits them once and helps him one week with lessons.

And he watches Blaine grow. He watches him move on from Kurt. He watches him be ready for a new relationship.

His heart breaks again when he hears about Blaine's first date with Karofsky, but he also feels relieved when Blaine tells him that it failed. They didn't like each other that way.

At the end of the year, Kurt goes back to Lima and asks Blaine to take him back. And what made Sebastian scream in joy is that Blaine rejected him. Told him that he was no longer in love with him.

And, yeah, Blaine goes back to NYADA, but not to Kurt. He knocks on Sebastian's door. With his bag next to him and a guest room waiting for him. The smiles they share gives Sebastian hope. 

And it's not for nothing.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if I messed up any of the grammar. I'm terrible at writing in this grammar style (I haven't had English class in almost a year, so I completely forgot what it was called.)

"You need therapy, Bas." Blaine said as he handed his roommate a glass of water, hoping it'll help him calm down after his panic attack.

"Eh, I'll pass." Sebastian told him, drinking the whole glass before almost gagging, he hated the taste of water. It made his throat taste like blood.

"It wasn't a suggestion." Blaine sat down on the coffee table in front of Sebastian, "I'm worried about you. Your anxiety is getting worse and you're having multiple panic attacks in a week. You need help, you can't live like this, Sebastian."

Normally Sebastian would've felt this amazing bubbly feeling in his stomach at only the thought of Blaine caring about him. Now, he just stared at the man in front of him.

Blaine sighed, "I know it's scary. Asking for help is scary. Having anxiety is scary. Heck, this whole world is scary. But you can't hide in your apartment forever to avoid scary things. If you want I'll go with you to therapy. I've been there before and it really helped me."

"It's just..." Sebastian looked away, staring at Blaine's knees to avoid his eyes. "I don't want to talk to a stranger about my personal life."

"For some reason talking to strangers about it is easier than talking to someone you know. They won't judge you as much. They talk to people with the same problems and went to school, studies many years just to help you." Blaine told him, reaching out to grab the other's hand. Which was a little sweaty from being nervous.

Sebastian looked up, and Blaine could see tears forming in his eyes. He wanted to reach out and hug his friend, but he knew Sebastian needed personal space. Or at least for now.

"And you'll go with me?" Sebastian asked him, hope and fear in his eyes. 

"I'll always be by your side, Sebastian." Blaine told him, and he kept his promise.

He stayed by Sebastian's side. He sat next to him on that weirdly comfortable couch and held his hand while he talked to the therapist about his life. He watched Sebastian open up more each time and held him as he cried, remembering the most traumatic event in his life.

The therapist suggested EMDR, a therapy that helps people move on from traumatic events with the movement of their eyes. Sebastian thought it sounded weird, but it actually helped.

Not only Blaine, but everyone around them noticed Sebastian slowly getting better. He laughed again, he smiled more. He took Blaine by surprise and asked him out on a date.

Blaine surprised him more by saying 'yes'.

They went to a small place, because Sebastian was still not ready to be in a big space with a lot of people and noise. They just got coffee, and yeah, it may be a little awkward because the 'getting to know each other' part isn't needed. But it was also fun, and Sebastian didn't even care that people were around them, he was too focused on Blaine's smile. The way his eyes shined when Sebastian started joking again.

And they went on many dates after that.

And maybe the first 'I love you' came a little too soon, but could you blame them? Sebastian had been in love with Blaine for years, and Blaine already loved him as a best friend. 

Soon the therapy was over, and Sebastian felt a lot better. Blaine was right, it really helped. Sebastian was able to walk over the street without worrying people were looking at him. He was able to talk to people again, even if he doesn't know them that well. He's able to go back to school normally. To graduate college and find a job.

And Blaine was still there for him. Holding his hand, supporting him no matter what.

Of course, sometimes he would have sad days. Just because he moved on from his past, didn't mean he forgot about it. And everyone's got their bad days. His anxiety wasn't suddenly all gone. But it wasn't as bad as first, and he was strong enough to fight it. To do what he wanted, to be himself.

And it took Sebastian a little longer than a year before he was ready to have anything close to sex. And he loved Blaine even more when he realized how careful and patient Blaine was, always making sure Sebastian was okay and comfortable.

Sebastian had heard people talk about a 'honeymoon' phase. Well, everyday with Blaine felt like that. Every time he saw Blaine, he fell in love with him again. He felt this weird, happy feeling in his chest. 

The only thing that changed over the years was them getting a dog. And after a lot of Blaine's puppy eyes, a cat. And maybe a ring in Sebastian's pocket for 5 months.

Maybe.

And maybe that ring was finally used after those 5 months. 

And maybe Blaine has said yes, sitting on the couch, his mouth awkwardly full with the delicious pancakes Sebastian made (Okay, maybe Sebastian couldn't wait until after to do it.)

And maybe that's how they got here. Right now.

Sebastian waiting at the altar, watching his 5 year old daughter (that they had adopted a year ago) awkwardly throw rose petals in people's faces while Blaine laughed and walked next to his brother to the altar. 

Sebastian held out his hand to shake Cooper's, who just pulled him in a hug. "Welcome to the family." Cooper said to him, giving him a smile that had won many awards. Jeff and Nick, Sebastian's best men, grinned at Blaine as he stood in front of Sebastian.

It all went by so fast, which is why Sebastian was glad Tina convinced him to film the whole day. He had danced with Blaine all night, staring into his eyes.

7 year old him would've never believed this would've happened. He would've never believed he could have a husband and a daughter. He could've never believed he would have a happy ending. 

But he does. He doesn't just have a happy ending, he has an amazing ending. And he's planning on spending the rest of his life with his amazing new family.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am currently getting therapy for my anxiety, which got really bad. Because I have autism I needed to go to a special school, but the waiting lists were really long. I had to stay at home for months, and I was scared to go outside because people know teenagers my age are supposed to be in school. I hadn't been outside for months, which meant my first day at school went terrible. So I had to wait until I could have therapy (which started this week) and I already feel better knowing I'm working on getting better (if that makes sense). So the beginning is kinda based on that.
> 
> I've also had EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) so I know that it helps with traumatic events. Although I didn't go through something as traumatic as Sebastian in this fic. My mom said that she noticed that I was happier after that, and it really helped me move on. Of course I'm not a therapist, so I have no idea if there's a therapy better for people who have been through the same as Sebastian in this.
> 
> I hope you didn't think any of this was rushed. (I personally thought the first chapter was too rushed, that's why I wrote this a little differently.) 
> 
> If you want, you can send me a message on Tumblr (sourwolfseblaine) or Wattpad (SourwolfSeblaine) (Yep, I still haven't learned how to put a link in here...) Or you can just leave a comment :)

**Author's Note:**

> There will be a part two! I wanted to continue writing this, but it got really long and I don't want to rush it. I won't have the time to write it tomorrow but maybe later :)
> 
> If you ever want to message me, you can find me on Tumblr. My username is 'sourwolfseblaine'. I would put a link here, but after more than a year on AO3 I still haven't figured out of to do that, so you'll have to search for me. If you don't have Tumblr, you can find me on wattpad with the same username.


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